Pregnant or not?

This post falls under category that I may be deleting after a while. It’s meant to be private but I just need to ramble around coz I’m in a complicated mood, it’s either in denial or confused. I’m late by 5 days and started to think too much. Look, it’s not that I dont want to get pregnant, it’s just a little fear that I couldnt be a good mother. At least not now and in near future. Yet I’m in between expectation by the parents (and Az too) and my own life. I dont want to sound selfish and I have no rights to say “please wait” to anything given by God – if He even wants to *still* give me anything. Then again, I know if I dont let myself ready, then I never will. Something will need to force me naturally. Probably by falling pregnant without any hope – nor refusal – will be the solution.

It was just before the China trip that I felt tired and bored with job and I dont know how those managed to change my policy from not-ready to neutral. Even all throughout the trip we were having this kind of fun joke, if baby conceived in Kashgar, we would name him/her Idka, after the Id Kah mosque :P or maybe Eden, after the hotel name we stayed in first day. ¬†And the jokes continued when we were stranded in a sappy and old Traffic Hotel in Kuqa and we were in dilemma for not wanting to name the baby “Traffic” – that will be terrible! =.=

Jokes aside, and it’s been half a year since myself being neutral, and since I didnt get pregnant after China trip (no Made-in-China baby, unfortunately) we didnt talk about it anymore. Until a few days ago. Az has been excited but I’m still in a weird feeling. I ran into Google to search any info to see if I’m possibly pregnant, and to my surprise, lots of sites can actually calculate when the baby is due – 4 July 2013! And my next search immediately after that “How to travel with infant of 2 months”, for we already have a plan in September. We’ll, if the pregnancy really happens.

This morning I did my first test at home, and instead of giving an answer, the cheap test strip gave almost invisible, light colored line. So until we really make a visit to clinic, I’m still left with questions…..

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